Counting blessings

After my initial diagnosis I made a conscious decision that if I was not able to make sense of any of it, then I would certainly need to make peace with every aspect of it. Making that decision probably brought me through some of the most challenging days in my entire life. Making peace was not ME giving up in any way, It merely gave me strength and courage, and an insane amount of calm to deal with a reality that was so much bigger than anything I could have imagined.

Reliving that day brings me to tears almost all of the time, but those tears heal whatever is still broken in me and ultimately make me whole again. My path at the time was not lined with petals but it was one that was written especially for me and I needed to walk or crawl it. I engaged in prayer, and with every ounce of my soul believed that it was being heard. There are many things you cannot change in life, but there are so many ways for you to respond to them. I chose to rise over and above a diagnosis I initially thought was a death sentence, and every day I make that choice and focus on all the blessings that I do have in my life.
The question still floating around for those who don't know me personally. So am I going to die? Well aren't we all? I may be predisposed at this point but with each step and each breath it remains a moment in time for all of us. I have since been blessed to be in remission and that has come with a whole new outlook completely. To have received such good news is a blessing in its entirety and while I remain deeply humbled and obsessively grateful, nothing quite shifted my world when faced with my own mortality. Being in an intense treatment of cancer is one thing, but living in it's shadow is just as daunting. Expecting to be who I was is just unrealistic to say the least. Not only has my body been through a major trauma but my mind has had to play catch up as well. 

Algamdulillah, its been five months since my last chemo session and my body feels almost as it was before I took ill. Emphasis on the ALMOST! The late side effects, muscle pains, and chemo brain fog all seem to have settled, but only with time which was my greatest healer. Having said that, each cancer including its treatment and healing process is so unique to each person suffering with it. What's heartbreaking though is that the narrative has become far too common and close to home for many of us. Unfortunately, I don't have any special remedies or magic potions to share here. All I have are sentiments about how I've dealt with my illness.

In a world filled with so much chaos, I pray for peace and understanding and if I had my way, an obscene amount of fairy dust to heal all those who are suffering right now. Not only the sick, but the families and dear friends who spend days and nights nursing them and keeping it all together. I can never repay mine for all that was done so selflessly. So in moving forward, my plan is to keep writing because evidently I hijacked what was once a pretty cool beauty blog and turned it into a sometimes very depressing space. For now I'm counting my blessings and maybe one day I'll publish in a more formal space all my ramblings of the past few months. I think my message has been quite clear all along. No matter what you have to face in your life, always let your faith be stronger than your fear and giving up should never be an option!

Peace and love always
xx