Time has just been trickling along as I spend my days either getting chemo, or treating side effects. I prefer not to look at the chemo when it's being administered because it's poison simple as that, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, not that I have enemies. I hope not. Some days though I just sit and watch as it drips. Drop for drop my whole life flashes and I think about everything and everyone. The whirlwind of a life I've had so far and It's then that I realize it's with each of these moments that I've drawn my strength from & ultimately from my creator because when you sick you only have the power of prayer nothing else. Believe me I can tell you about blessings and miracles that I have experienced right here in hospital but those are my gifts to treasure.
Apart from the occasional two or three day break when I do get to go home, it never gets easier when I have to leave and then it's just tears and sadness all over again. It generally takes me a day or so before I'm back to myself and life in hospital. I know all the nurses by name and most of their life stories. I've slept in most of the beds if I'm not in isolation and I've experienced too many deaths and made some cancer buddies too.
Between all of us we've had far too many infections and tears, sore throats and tears, lip sores and tears, diarrhea and tears and piles with a whole lot of tears. I don't recognize myself anymore. As I write this, I've lost about fifteen kilos, I've lost my hair, I've lost my eyebrows and I have all of two eyelashes left, one on each eyelid. But hey who's counting?
I've just finished my second cycle of treatment, fresh out of ICU after another infection, and waiting patiently to be discharged in a day or two.
As for your constant messages and words of encouragement, I have appreciated them over the months. However after my first infection, I had to politely say listen guys I read the messages, but apart from being delirious or on chemo, I really cannot get into conversations especially when your husband's cousin also has cancer but she died two weeks ago?!?
Anyway, it's been a long walk to freedom and I only get to know the results in another two weeks after my rescan. I'm not sure whether I want to share that here for now though. I may just leave you wondering what happened to that girl with the odd cancer?
In the words of another 'You force yourself to put one foot in front of the other, and God dammit you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. And that ladies and gentlemen is how I've done it'
Be safe and remember me in your duas & a blessed Ramadan inshallah xx
