Counting blessings

After my initial diagnosis I made a conscious decision that if I was not able to make sense of any of it, then I would certainly need to make peace with every aspect of it. Making that decision probably brought me through some of the most challenging days in my entire life. Making peace was not ME giving up in any way, It merely gave me strength and courage, and an insane amount of calm to deal with a reality that was so much bigger than anything I could have imagined.

Reliving that day brings me to tears almost all of the time, but those tears heal whatever is still broken in me and ultimately make me whole again. My path at the time was not lined with petals but it was one that was written especially for me and I needed to walk or crawl it. I engaged in prayer, and with every ounce of my soul believed that it was being heard. There are many things you cannot change in life, but there are so many ways for you to respond to them. I chose to rise over and above a diagnosis I initially thought was a death sentence, and every day I make that choice and focus on all the blessings that I do have in my life.
The question still floating around for those who don't know me personally. So am I going to die? Well aren't we all? I may be predisposed at this point but with each step and each breath it remains a moment in time for all of us. I have since been blessed to be in remission and that has come with a whole new outlook completely. To have received such good news is a blessing in its entirety and while I remain deeply humbled and obsessively grateful, nothing quite shifted my world when faced with my own mortality. Being in an intense treatment of cancer is one thing, but living in it's shadow is just as daunting. Expecting to be who I was is just unrealistic to say the least. Not only has my body been through a major trauma but my mind has had to play catch up as well. 

Algamdulillah, its been five months since my last chemo session and my body feels almost as it was before I took ill. Emphasis on the ALMOST! The late side effects, muscle pains, and chemo brain fog all seem to have settled, but only with time which was my greatest healer. Having said that, each cancer including its treatment and healing process is so unique to each person suffering with it. What's heartbreaking though is that the narrative has become far too common and close to home for many of us. Unfortunately, I don't have any special remedies or magic potions to share here. All I have are sentiments about how I've dealt with my illness.

In a world filled with so much chaos, I pray for peace and understanding and if I had my way, an obscene amount of fairy dust to heal all those who are suffering right now. Not only the sick, but the families and dear friends who spend days and nights nursing them and keeping it all together. I can never repay mine for all that was done so selflessly. So in moving forward, my plan is to keep writing because evidently I hijacked what was once a pretty cool beauty blog and turned it into a sometimes very depressing space. For now I'm counting my blessings and maybe one day I'll publish in a more formal space all my ramblings of the past few months. I think my message has been quite clear all along. No matter what you have to face in your life, always let your faith be stronger than your fear and giving up should never be an option!

Peace and love always
xx

  

Who's counting anyway?

It's been about 3 months and 15 days since I was admitted to hospital and about now everybody is probably wondering what happened to that girl with the odd named cancer. Because that's what I've become, just another cancer statistic.

Time has just been trickling along as I spend my days either getting chemo, or treating side effects. I prefer not to look at the chemo when it's being administered because it's poison simple as that, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, not that I have enemies. I hope not. Some days though I just sit and watch as it drips. Drop for drop my whole life flashes and I think about everything and everyone. The whirlwind of a life I've had so far and It's then that I realize it's with each of these moments that I've drawn my strength from & ultimately from my creator because when you sick you only have the power of prayer nothing else. Believe me I can tell you about blessings and miracles that I have experienced right here in hospital but those are my gifts to treasure.

Apart from the occasional two or three day break when I do get to go home, it never gets easier when I have to leave and then it's just tears and sadness all over again. It generally takes me a day or so before I'm back to myself and life in hospital. I know all the nurses by name and most of their life stories. I've slept in most of the beds if I'm not in isolation and I've experienced too many deaths and made some cancer buddies too.

Between all of us we've had far too many infections and tears, sore throats and tears, lip sores and tears, diarrhea and tears and piles with a whole lot of tears. I don't recognize myself anymore. As I write this, I've lost about fifteen kilos, I've lost my hair, I've lost my eyebrows and I have all of two eyelashes left, one on each eyelid. But hey who's counting?

I've just finished my second cycle of treatment, fresh out of ICU after another infection, and waiting patiently to be discharged in a day or two.

As for your constant messages and words of encouragement, I have appreciated them over the months. However after my first infection, I had to politely say listen guys I read the messages, but apart from being delirious or on chemo, I really cannot get into conversations especially when your husband's cousin also has cancer but she died two weeks ago?!?

Anyway, it's been a long walk to freedom and I only get to know the results in another two weeks after my rescan. I'm not sure whether I want to share that here for now though. I may just leave you wondering what happened to that girl with the odd cancer?

In the words of another 'You force yourself to put one foot in front of the other, and God dammit you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. And that ladies and gentlemen is how I've done it'

Be safe and remember me in your duas & a blessed Ramadan inshallah xx

Just another pebble..

For those of you that read my previous post, you know I stated that I have Burkitts Lymphoma. So before this train gets totally derailed let me just set a couple of things straight. I do not have brain cancer or bone cancer or cancer in my back for that matter. It's Burkitts lymphoma which is a rare aggressive curable cancer. I clearly recall the professor telling me one morning and apart from that quintessential tweed coat reserved only for clever people, the only word I took from that conversation was 'curable'.

Having being diagnosed and being told that I had to be admitted to hospital immediately happened very quickly. As aggressive as the cancer is, so is the treatment and is administered in hospital to monitor the whole process. Sadly enough I was given like a days notice so I didn't really have a chance to mentally prepare myself or my kids in fact as to  what it all would be like.

So it's probably been two of the hardest weeks of my life and I'm thankful because at least I have a fighting chance which is much more than most people with this dreaded disease. The treatment has knocked me most days, as was expected but I'm still around to tell the tale as they say. I don't want to go into too much detail regarding the chemo because it is what it is and I just deal with it as it comes.

That feeling of having walked a thousand miles overcomes me most days and I need to constantly remind myself that this is just another pebble in my path. 

My heart breaks into a million pieces every time I think about how this is affecting my family especially my husband and kids not having me around to hand out hugs and kisses before sending them off into the world each morning. 

And yes this is probably one of my most depressing posts but I'm just emotionally raw and drained on so many levels. 

I am as ever in bewildered awe of the constant love and support I receive daily which warms my heart. I appreciate it and even though sometimes I don't respond I'm just overwhelmed by the love. 

So Algamdullilah week three is upon me and I've been placed in isolation because my entire immune system has been wiped out. I'm on a chemo break as side effects have started to kick in so I'm in for another bumpy ride. Inshallah Allah knows my path. 

Other than that I spend my days being poked and pricked and prodded drifting in and out of sleep and dreaming of better days inshallah. I must admit I'm still amazed at the interest shown in my initial post and would appreciate if people would share the correct information about my condition. I would love to know why these posts are so interesting so don't be shy and  leave a comment in the box below. As I said before, me documenting this is my therapeutic outlet as I'm on a journey of treatment, and recovery and the duration is unknown. I'm trying to be mindful of my thoughts and just deal with each day as a blessing in its entirety. So this basically is the proverbial horses' mouth and please refer the link to the misinformed. 

Don't mistake my emotions for weakness  because I've still got this, some days just a little less than others.

Be safe and remember me in your duas

xxx

Postcards from paradise?

Hellloooo there lovelies. Now I know it's been a while and I do apologise for being so quiet in my posts and beauty flashes of late. As anticipated, it was quite a busy end of year trying to keep up with the kids school diaries, my own work engagements and other business administration. Festive season social duties came and went and finally I was all packed and set to fly off into the sunset with my love to a magical island destination for some serious R&R. I secretly snuck in some new products for editorial purposes which I thought would make for some great visuals in and around the island. Yes, so that was the initial plan.

Flying into Ile Maurice from high upon the candy cotton clouds set the tone for an indulgent couple of days with nothing on my mind but sun, sea and surf. Gone were the beauty flashes which I hoped would be flamed by the peace and tranquillity of this breathtaking location. Yes, it was inspirational, but on another level for me. I took the time to just sit and 'people watch'(which is an absolute delight for me when travelling!) and also enjoy the cool calm turquoise waters. I surrendered to the sunshine which shone down on me, and just embraced my state of being. Sometimes that's all a soul needs to heal and prepare for another year of adventures.

Mauritius was everything and more than what I could have imagined. It's like He created a little bit of heaven right here for us to enjoy. I lapped up the sunshine and sipped on delicious mocktails because..there's no reason except because! Whatever else happened in Mauritius stayed right there in Mauritius.

So 2016, and back at my desk ready to tackle the new school year, current projects almost coming to fruition after months of planning and just getting all the 'to do lists' for everyone in place. Stationary, books, schedules, extra murals, annual Dr check ups etc. Normal admin tick tick tick.

What was to enfold over the next couple weeks was nothing short of world shaking and mind breaking in every way. A routine mammogram which I initiated for the first time in my life left me reeling as this led to further investigations with my Dr and I now sit with a diagnosis of Burkitts Lymphoma Cancer. Quite a mouthful isn't it. Believe me when I say it was the furthest thing from my mind.

As this point I'm not sure whether I intend documenting this journey as I haven't quite made sense as to how that would be beneficial to any one really. I just have this feeling that writing about it may just make the journey easier for me as It's always been a therapeutic outlet. I feel like I just need to get a load off my head this morning before moving on. If I have to start on how the whole family is coping, I will not be able to finish this post as I will have a meltdown and that's not my intention for today. I've spent three days crying and prepping for this moment and today there will be no tears and no fears. 

So where to from here you ask? Well it's exactly a month since I noticed an abnormally bloated tummy and I now sit waiting for my first dose of chemo on a Monday morning can you believe. I am however humbled by the massive amount of love and duas and well wishes I have received since early morning and over the past couple of days. With an emotional heart I say bismillah and pray the almighty gives me strengh to make it through today. 

I'm going to skip the Oprah life lessons and drama about how precious life is and all that so just give me a minute while I tuck in my bloated tummy and straighten my big girl bloomers. I think I got this!

Wish me luck...

to be continued!!

xxx
**PS** excuse any typos as this has been written very quickly to ease the morning anxiety💕

Mojito anyone?

So I'm totally obsessed with the Virgin Mojito range at this point, as its everything it promises to be. A perfect summer indulgence if like me, you love the smell of freshly bruised mint muddled with lemon and limes. I have been running around for the past couple of months and it totally slipped my crazy mind to upload this post. It was meant to be my final instalment of the Spa of the World launch held a couple weeks back. It's clean, its fresh, and oh so crisp. **WARNING** Extreme intoxication up ahead!!

Exfoliate, scrub and polish your skin to perfection and replenish with intense hydration body butter.

It's in stores today and if your'e in the Cape Town area pop by the new-look Tygervalley store. Sadly I could'nt make that launch as I was eid prepping at the time. Just a couple more weeks to breeze through before the jolly season up ahead. But in the meantime, I'll have another mojito please!

Oh hello October..xx

Bon Voyage!

Launched together with Spa of the Worlds, the Voyage Collection is destined to take you on a sensory journey to the far corners of the globe. Infused with only the finest natural ingredients and harvested at their individual optimum blooming times. 

Hand picked at dawn in the Moroccan Dades Valley, the roses and cassis buds are blended with warm spices to create this exquisite Atlas Mountain Rose.

Fijian Water Lotuses only bloom in the early morning (I didn't even know this!) so the petals are hand separated and steam distilled to extract the purest essences. It's combined with mandarin zest and marine salt to bring you this subtle breath of the ocean.

From the Kashmir Mughal gardens, the Jasmine flower is picked at night when they are at their most precious in fragrance, and combined with Sandalwood to create this fragrant delight.

Sun-ripened Puglia figs are picked at the height of  Summer when the aroma is at its richest. Fresh and flirty and just the right combination that will have you swooning for a dreamy and decadent Italian retreat. 

As you can see, the entire range is simply an amazing addition to The Body Shop family. World class perfumers have journeyed the world over to capture the purest essences and bottle them to 'Body Shop' perfection. The packaging for each range depicts a pattern which is traditional from its region, and yet still lends itself  to quite a stylish and trendy look overall. The inspiration and regions behind these products are way more interesting as The Body Shop is a huge supporter of biodiversity and the local communities where they operate. The products are never tested on animals and 100% vegetarian. 

What's next? I think it's time to start packing those bags! I'm looking forward to another endless Summer.

Happy Spring Day loves

xx

Spa of the World Media Launch

Words fail me when I think back to last Thursday's Spa of the World Media launch. The weather played along and I was happily swept away to probably still one of my favourite venues in Camps Bay, the Bay Hotel. The super awesome team over at the Body Shop launched what must have been the most anticipated range for the year. Well at least I seem to think so!

First order of business was as an update as to what they have been doing apart from creating delicious skin treats for me and you, and it's probably one of the reasons why I love the brand so much. They live up to their brand values and always give back to local communities.

Beauty insiders were treated to four deliciously decadent ranges and a peek as to what Christmas will be looking like in stores. The Spa of the World  is a ritual sensory overload intended to create the 'spathroom' experience in the comfort of your home. Think Egyptian Milk & Honey milk baths, French Lavender oils, Dead Sea Salt scrubs and my already personal fave the Japanese Camellia Velvet cream. I haven't even mentioned the full range here and I'm dying to jump into my beauty box to start trying them. I just wanted to give you guys a heads up as to what to expect when these hot prods reach the stores which will be over the next couple of months. The new look packaging is pure decadence & sophistication to match this luxurious indulgent range.

Some more from the launch will be up over the next few days.

Happy days..xx